I invented the most awesome salad ever and I wanted to share it with you.

Careful, there are some f-bombs in here and that’s just cause I’m god damn passionate about cooking. Oh and also I’m the best at it. And I’m humble as shit.

First you get some lettuces, whatever kind you think are the best.

Then you put some steamed broccoli on there.
You can also put some carrots in when the broccolis are a-steamin, it’s your salad man do whatever the fuck you want.
You can also put some peppers in there I guess too. I mean, if you want to ruin everything.

Then you add some chick peas. make sure you drain and wash them and don’t just dump a whole can in. DO NOT use the dry kind that you have to soak overnight cause seriously WHO HAS THAT KIND OF TIME.

Cut up some little squares of veggie ham. I know, it sounds weird, but you’ll thank me when you’re older. I guess you can use real ham. I mean, if you’re a murderer.

Then you top with tiny cubes of cheese (vegan if you want) and ground hemp seed. Make sure it’s the kind that looks like sawdust and not the seed-y looking kind. It’s going to look fuckin disgusting but trust me on this. It’s fucking good for you and I’m trying to keep you from dying so quickly.

Gawd.

Top with balsamic vinaigrette. Eat often. Drink with 1-14 tiny coffees. Rinse. Repeat.

You’re welcome.

Fuckin delicious